Fathering Space For Failures & Disobedience
In my days of growing up, respect and obedience were central at home. We hardly showed disrespect to our parents, teachers and the elderly in the public. I was taught to obey more than questioning.
In modern parenting, it has swung to the other extreme. Kids were taught to question and get understanding, rather than obedience. As a result of the extreme, we are seeing a generation who do not have basic respect for the elders, because they think that they know better than the past generation.
With this in mind, I need to know how to hold a proper tension between the two when it comes to fathering my own son.
Does my son need to learn obedience, even when he doesn't have an answer or understanding? YES!
Does my son need to learn critical thinking and stay inquisitive by asking questions to get understanding? YES!
When do I know when do I need to impart one of the principles to him so that he holds a healthy tension between the two?
He is allowed to ask anything under the sun and question why we do what we do as long as it doesn't concern our direct instructions/commands for him.
I learnt that I have to create a fathering space for failures and disobedience at the home ground, so that he will learn true obedience. He can choose to obey or disobey my instructions. Based on his choice, he will learn either through obedience, or consequence.
Three days ago, he went down to play with his friends. I gave him an instruction to return by 6.50pm. I added, "If you return beyond the time, you will not go down on the next day." He nodded excitedly and said, "Okay!"
At 7.15pm, he wasn't back yet. I waited for him to return. When he finally came up, it was 7.25pm. So I said, "What time did Papa ask you to return?" He said, "6.50pm."
"What time is it now?"
He replied, "Because I forgot the time and I thought I could play longer."
When I told him that he would not be able to go down on the following day, he burst out crying. Cut the long story short, on the next day, he saw all his friends playing happily downstairs. With a sad face, he came to me a number of times, wanting to go down. I stood firm and answered, "I know you want to, but you have to be responsible for the consequence because of disobedience."
My wife added, "You didn't come back on time. What if someone takes you away and we do not know what has happened?" (She's giving understanding)
Save a child from consequence and he will never learn obedience. Jesus learnt obedience from the things He went through (Heb 5:8), but He did not question the One who loved Him.
Our child can learn to question authorities and anything else but not the direct instructions of his parents who love him. Only the ones who love him have the rights to get him to obey. For we are the earthly representation of the Father who loves us. Without love, we have no rights to get the kid to obey.
Is obedience important? Absolutely. But it is equally important to create a space for disobedience and failures at home, so that a child can learn obedience.
***LATEST***
Today, he went down to play with his friends. I didn’t give him a set time to come back. Around 6.50pm, he came up on his own.
A child learns obedience, either by obedience or consequence.
