F&S Day

J & I have a F&S day bi-weekly. Yesterday, he showed me how simple faith is. He wanted to visit a toy shop, but I have told him before we left home that we wouldn't be buying any toy on that day.

Below was the conversation.

J: Papa, I have watched this show before (pointing to Tayo bus).

Papa: Yes.

J: So I need to have this. Jesus will buy this for me.

Then he went around pointing to many toys and said, "Jesus will buy this... And this.... And this... And this... for me."

Papa: There are so many. I can't remember. You need to ask Jesus to remember for you.

And he started touching every single toy he wanted and each time when he touched, he said, "In Jesus' name, Jesus buys this for me! Amen!"

Perhaps, faith is really that simple.

Affirmation Is A Decision

Affirmation is a decision.

Growing up in a typical Asian family, I hardly received any affirmation from my father. He loved me but he was just not trained by his parents to affirm with words. It required a deliberate decision for me to parent my child in a very different way, after knowing how the Father in heaven parents me.

A typical Asian parent will especially put down a child in front of others, thinking that it would prevent the child from becoming proud. If someone praises the child, "You have such an obedient boy," the parent will say, "No. He is very naughty." Sounds familiar? This is pretty disastrous. My wife and I totally eliminated the vocab 'naughty' and the phrase 'you are not a good boy' from our family dictionary.

Today, after J finished his milk, he came to me proudly, "Papa, see! I have finished!" Well, he has been doing that for as long as he started to drink milk. Despite the fact that he should know that he should finish it, I intentionally affirmed him over and over again. Some Asian parents think that we can't affirm too much. But I personally think that we can't go wrong with overflowing supply of affirmation. Because that's what the perfect Father does to me daily.

We have to make it an intentional decision to affirm our child for both who he is and what he has done, even if it seems a small task. Because to the child, it may be a big task on hand - like finishing his milk haha. If he is looking/waiting for affirmation, I'll give it without holding back.

When we don't give our child affirmation when he is looking for it, he will start looking for it in the world. Most of the time, that will be disastrous.

We can't expect teachers in school to give them much affirmation. Due to a big class of children on hand, they focus more on class management and behaviours. We, including me, have to make affirmation intentional. Because it is a decision.

Life-long Lesson

It takes one session to learn healing, but it probably takes one lifetime to learn parenting. 

I posted recently about the need to share with one another on parenting so that we can learn more from one another on the way our Father in heaven does parenting. We have shared so much on healing and other stuff, but like what I said, it doesn't make sense that we don't talk much about parenting. While every child is different, I believe that there are some consistent principles we can learn from one another. So here I go...

Recently, J has been responding in a way that doesn't come from his identity. He would jump and shout when he didn't get what he wanted. He would even say, "Don't talk to me".

My wife and I are pretty concerned, so we asked him, "Who did that in school?", "Who taught you to say that?" The reason we asked is because some of these are not what we modeled at home.

He replied and named a classmate whom he had favour on. Apparently, he is picking up and following what she does in school. This is one reason why homeschooling can build a stronger foundation in a child before he faces the real world. Of course, homeschooling is not so much about schooling a child at home. It is more about extended parenting where the child models after the parents because of constant exposure and connection. We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are. We can model without parenting, but we can't parent without modeling.

Out of immediate response, I said, "J, do not say that. That is rude", "J, I have said many times. Do not shout." But I realised that the more I told him not to respond in that unkind manner, the more he would do it.

Although he has made some progress, it happened again and again after a short period of time - the next day or even within the same day.

As I was reflecting on this, the Holy Spirit highlighted to me the verses in Romans 7:8-9.

'Apart from the law sin is dead. I was alive once without the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.'

The more I teach J "do not do/say this" or "do this", the more he wants to rebel. It is arousing the flesh to respond to the 'law'. But apart from the law, sin is dead. In other words, the more I tell him what he should be doing, the more I give power to his act of rebellion.

Some would suggest caning or punishment, which I don't subscribe to, because: 

1) In my view of God, He doesn't resort to that.

2) It produces outward obedience with no true form of transformation.

What we are looking for is an inward transformation, leading to an outward behaviour.

I began to switch to using questions to draw out his identity - "J, you are a patient and cooperative boy. Would you be patient?", "J, what do you think about shouting? Do you think it's okay to shout at Papa?"

He would take a while to cool down, which he has the rights to do so and express his feeling. Then he would say, "No." And eventually, he would apologise.

It still takes much reminders (like what God does towards us) and patience on our end to respond to him. I am learning. 

I believe that if we parent our child's identity, it will produce the outward behaviour we hope to see. Most of the times, we just want to quickly conform him to that behaviour without wanting to go through the process of developing his identity. Conforming may seem fast and effective, but it is disastrous when our child reaches the teenage years.

Showing Concern In His Way

One common behavior we picked up from our traditional parenting style is to shout/scold our child when he messes up or when he injures himself due to negligence. The scolding/shouting is a result of the depth of concern we have for him. Yet our child does not feel our concern when we shout/scold him, which follows the incident. By doing that consistently and regularly, we make him feel disapproved, rejected and condemned. This misrepresents who God is, as he eventually thinks that God is angry/upset whenever we mess up or hurt ourselves by negligence. Nothing is further from the truth.

This traditional Asian parenting has to be replaced and re-presented so that we can represent the Father to our child. When he messes up or injures himself due to negligence, the quickest response we need to have is to reveal our concern directly by the expression of love. A hug or gentle word of encouragement conveys a very powerful message - "I am with you. I love you regardless of what you just did. You are my precious child." Doing that consistently and regularly will reinforce and strengthen our child's identity.

If we don't consider how our Father in heaven would respond to us and deliberately follow His example, it is completely natural for us to parent our child according to the traditional way our parents brought us up.

I'm far from perfect. But each time when I look to the Father, I know I have to 'kill' the traditional parenting ways.

The Key To Obedience

Recently, J hasn't been very obedient. Or rather, he is not responding as quickly as before to what my wife and I say. We have to say a few times before he would respond accordingly.

This morning, as I was reading the Word, a verse jumped out at me. When the Holy Spirit 'zooms' in to a verse, God is definitely speaking.

I have read this passage so many times, but I never saw this.

"And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife... disobedient to parents," - Romans 1:28-30

The Holy Spirit spoke to me, "The key to training your son to be obedient is not telling him to be obedient. Look at the passage again."

And I saw it.

"...retain God in their knowledge."

The Holy Spirit spoke again, "The key to training your son to be obedient is simply by connecting him to the Father."

The more I train J to be connected to the Father, the more he will grow in obedience effortlessly. It is by fathering him to know God in his heart where he develops his identity as a son of God will he walk out his true identity - obedience. When he walks in the Spirit, he will not satisfy the desires of the flesh.

My focus should not be getting him to be obedient - that's setting my mind on things below. My focus should be on connecting him to the Father - setting my mind on things above.

What an amazing fathering truth! Thank You Jesus!