Life-long Lesson

It takes one session to learn healing, but it probably takes one lifetime to learn parenting. 

I posted recently about the need to share with one another on parenting so that we can learn more from one another on the way our Father in heaven does parenting. We have shared so much on healing and other stuff, but like what I said, it doesn't make sense that we don't talk much about parenting. While every child is different, I believe that there are some consistent principles we can learn from one another. So here I go...

Recently, J has been responding in a way that doesn't come from his identity. He would jump and shout when he didn't get what he wanted. He would even say, "Don't talk to me".

My wife and I are pretty concerned, so we asked him, "Who did that in school?", "Who taught you to say that?" The reason we asked is because some of these are not what we modeled at home.

He replied and named a classmate whom he had favour on. Apparently, he is picking up and following what she does in school. This is one reason why homeschooling can build a stronger foundation in a child before he faces the real world. Of course, homeschooling is not so much about schooling a child at home. It is more about extended parenting where the child models after the parents because of constant exposure and connection. We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are. We can model without parenting, but we can't parent without modeling.

Out of immediate response, I said, "J, do not say that. That is rude", "J, I have said many times. Do not shout." But I realised that the more I told him not to respond in that unkind manner, the more he would do it.

Although he has made some progress, it happened again and again after a short period of time - the next day or even within the same day.

As I was reflecting on this, the Holy Spirit highlighted to me the verses in Romans 7:8-9.

'Apart from the law sin is dead. I was alive once without the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.'

The more I teach J "do not do/say this" or "do this", the more he wants to rebel. It is arousing the flesh to respond to the 'law'. But apart from the law, sin is dead. In other words, the more I tell him what he should be doing, the more I give power to his act of rebellion.

Some would suggest caning or punishment, which I don't subscribe to, because: 

1) In my view of God, He doesn't resort to that.

2) It produces outward obedience with no true form of transformation.

What we are looking for is an inward transformation, leading to an outward behaviour.

I began to switch to using questions to draw out his identity - "J, you are a patient and cooperative boy. Would you be patient?", "J, what do you think about shouting? Do you think it's okay to shout at Papa?"

He would take a while to cool down, which he has the rights to do so and express his feeling. Then he would say, "No." And eventually, he would apologise.

It still takes much reminders (like what God does towards us) and patience on our end to respond to him. I am learning. 

I believe that if we parent our child's identity, it will produce the outward behaviour we hope to see. Most of the times, we just want to quickly conform him to that behaviour without wanting to go through the process of developing his identity. Conforming may seem fast and effective, but it is disastrous when our child reaches the teenage years.