Fathering with the Father

J didn’t enter the lift with us, despite that my wife called him a few times. We waited in the lift and the door automatically closed. After we pressed the button for the door to open, we realised that J already went up on his own by another lift.

This incident demanded for a proper discipline.

We sat J in the reflection corner after he had taken his shower. We asked, “J, why didn’t you enter the lift with us? Mama called you many times but you didn’t listen.”

J: Because I wasn’t focused.

Papa: Why were you not focused?

J: I don’t know.

Papa: Now speak in tongues for a moment. Close your eyes and ask Jesus to show you why you were not focused.

He prayed in tongues and asked.

J: It’s because I didn’t want to go into the lift.

Papa: Why didn’t you want to enter the lift? Ask Jesus to show you why you didn’t want to.

He prayed and said, “Because I wanted to test Papa and Mama. But both of you went up without me. I’m so upset.”

Papa: We didn’t go up without you. The door closed automatically but we had it opened quickly. We came out of the lift and you were gone. What if someone took you away from us?

Papa: Would Papa and Mama ever leave you?

J: No.

Papa: Would we ever go off without you?

J: No.

By now, his eyes were teary.

Papa: Do we love you?

J: Yes.

Papa: Do you trust us?

J: Yes.

He broke down in tears and said, “I’m sorry Papa.”

It is way more powerful to involve the Father in our fathering. It brings about the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the goodness of God that brings a child to repentance. #fathering101

Homeschooling Journey Part 2

As shared in the first post, the purpose of documenting this journey is to encourage and help those who are thinking about homeschooling your children. There were a lot of things we didn't know how to go about doing it. As such, we want to reduce the obstacles (as much as possible) so that this becomes a "simpler" decision for some to make.

Few days back, I spoke to a neighbour and she shared that she had been trying hard to apply to be a parent's volunteer in Northland Primary. However, she was rejected. Her son is only 5 years old. This is the typical life of Singaporean parent, if you want your child to be in a good school.

Apparently, her friend also tried to get her kid into the same school, but didn't manage to. So when this neighbour found out that we have gotten a vacancy in this school (without doing anything except being forced to apply for P1 registration), she kept encouraging me to put my son in the school and not waste this golden opportunity. For many wanted to get in and they couldn't.

Many will say that God has opened the door for us. For it is assumed that what is of God is easy and effortless. I beg to differ, because it is not found in the Scriptures and it is not always true. Let me submit to you that the enemy can open many doors to distract you too.

In the face of temptation, what do you choose?

We should not be moved by what we see. We must move by what we believe. Our purpose and values become the cornerstone of our choices. These are what keep us unchanging, unwavering, unshakeable, steadfast and immovable.

My wife has informed her school. This is one of the toughest moves. We have also been assigned with an infamous guy from the 'you-know-what' department to evaluate and approve our homeschooling process. We found out from the homeschooling community that he's pretty famous in making it tough for people to apply homeschooling. Nonetheless, in the face of challenge, what do you choose?

There is a requirement to prepare a 6 years' worth of curriculum as one of the application processes. This is crazy but it is necessary.

We have gone to IKEA to get some furniture to prepare a room for homeschooling. This, too, will be assessed as part of the requirement.

On top of that, we’ll need to get plugged into a homeschooling community soon, so that we can support one another and live lives together as families.

Please Pray for us as my wife writes out the curriculum before the deadline for submission. #homeschoolingjourney

Confronting Fears

He pulled me to the dragon ride... he actually wanted to go for the small dragon ride, but we went to the wrong queue —— big dragon rollercoaster.

He was silent throughout the fast-moving ride. At the end of the ride, his face turned a little green and he almost cried. 

I carried him up and patted him, “What a brave boy you are! When Papa was 6, I didn’t dare to go for this.”

When he saw his mummy, he said, “Mama, I’m a brave boy. Papa said he didn’t dare to go for this kind of ride when he was 6 years old.”

In the face of fears, we can undo what a child went through emotionally by affirming what he has overcome. #fathering101

Homeschooling Journey Part 1

Homeschooling Journey Part 1

A few years back, the whole idea of homeschooling came into my mind as I left full-time church ministry to focus on fathering my son in his foundation years. I attended a number of homeschooling seminars and joined a couple of homeschooling co-ed groups’ activities. After engaging with the children, teens and young adults who were homeschooled, I was convinced that homeschooling is a powerful way of educating a child in character and important values. These homeschooling children and youths displayed maturity and social skills that are beyond their peers. Some think that homeschooling results in poor social skills. It is, in fact, on the contrary. That is a backward thinking. Many of the homeschooling kids can hold a conversation really well as they are used to interacting with people of different ages.

Fast forward to 2019... my wife, who is also a trained teacher with many years of experience, began to come into agreement with what I think about homeschooling. Now she is convicted about it.

The phrase that has been stuck in my mind is this, “Homeschooling is extended parenting.” It’s a beautiful thing to homeschool, because the child will spend more time with the parents than the school, and be built up in his foundational values and identity, before he is sent out into the world to face the challenges.

This has not been an easy decision. It takes a lot out of our comfort zone to decide on homeschooling. While some have a lot of support at home as well as finances to jump into homeschooling without much thoughts, we don’t fall into that category. My wife will need to quit her teaching job to stay at home.

It is way easier and comfortable to send J to Primary school. It makes life much more convenient for my wife and me. However, living a life with purpose is never about choosing what is comfortable. Faith is about stepping out of the familiar and stable boat into the uncharted waters, where there is uncertainty, discomfort and the unknown, so that we can place our trust in the certainty of God who is also our true Comforter. The journey of homeschooling is not going to be easy, but we have decided to choose what is beneficial for our son instead of our own comfort.

I really appreciate my wife for taking yet another journey of faith with me (we have always been quite different from the mainstream) and for making a huge sacrifice —— she cannot be allowed to go back to teach in MOE school after she resigns.

Applying for homeschooling hasn’t been smooth-sailing. We faced some challenges from ‘you-know-who’. They have been trying to dissuade us from applying for it. In fact, they refused to give us the application form when we requested for it. To move out of mainstream puts you in the minority and that is definitely not advised nor encouraged in our nation. However, we have long decided to pursue the kingdom of God regardlessly, and this includes education. You just cannot compartmentalize Christianity. It is either all or none.

Through the phone interviews, we were told that we MUST register J for Primary One, before the homeschooling application form can be released to us. (Later, we found out from the homeschooling community that this is not true!)

Given that we had no choice, we went ahead to apply for Northland Primary, one of the top two schools in Yishun. We don’t believe in ‘pulling strings’ to get into a school or doing parents’ volunteers, because the motive of the latter is usually not that you want to genuinely serve, but that you just want a vacancy in the school for your child. Anyway, this is just our personal conviction.

Before the result was out, we found out that out of 80 over vacancies for Phase 2C (the last phase for a child to apply into primary school during registration period), there were close to 300 applications for Northland. My wife did a check and discovered that apart from Northland and Nan Chiau (Sengkang), no other school in SG has such high ratio of applicants to vacancies.

Does that mean that this is an open door from God? Well, it is not necessary true. There is another realm at work to open a few doors for you if you don’t remain immovable. What is good can stop you from what is God.

We decided to give this golden opportunity a miss, so that we can continue to pursue what is better for J. Finally, after a couple of phone interviews with the ‘you-know-who’, they released the homeschooling application form to us.

There are still various hurdles to cross before we can begin homeschooling officially. Please pray with us that we will get the approval. In recent two years, the criteria have changed and become tougher than the past.

We only have one life on this side of eternity. Hence, we need to steward it and make the most impact for the kingdom, and it has to start from the family.

I’m sharing and will be sharing this whole journey of homeschooling (and this is only the beginning) so that those who are in similar shoes and situations can be encouraged as well as to go after what God has put in your hearts concerning homeschooling. It is never too late to do it. Jesus!

Differentiating The Voices

J said, “Papa, do you know that I have been praying for the whole world to be saved?”

Papa: (I didn’t know) That’s a powerful prayer!

After a while, he continued.

J: Papa... I heard satan. I’m not going to listen to him.

Papa: What did he say?

J: He said “Don’t believe in God.” That’s satan.

Papa: You are absolutely right. Don’t listen to him.

J: (Paused) I heard Jesus now.

Papa: What did he say?

J: Jesus said “I love you.”

Papa: That’s right.

Don’t underestimate what you impart to your child and don’t think that they are too young to understand the voice of God and how to differentiate between the thoughts in their head. The same Holy Spirit in us is the same Holy Spirit in them, who teaches them concerning all things.

Holy Spirit Fathering Part 2

I was disciplining J in the car last night. I asked him to pray and reflect, and asked Jesus what happened.

He said, "Jesus said that I was disrespectful to Papa."

I said, "Now you pray and ask Him to give you a picture."

He prayed and said, "Papa, is it any picture?"

Papa: Yes.

J: I saw a pair of spectacles.

Papa: Can you ask Jesus what it meant?

J: Jesus said that I need to be thankful. People in other countries don't even have what I have.

Papa: That's right. Jesus showed you spectacles because you are seeing with limitation. You can't see how blessed you already are compared to other people. But you are a thankful boy, so you can be thankful. If you are thankful, you will see well.

We need to train the next generation (especially our own children) to hear God so that they can respond to Him when we are not there for them. We can't be there for them forever. But God the Father will never leave nor forsake them. #fathering101

Holy Spirit Fathering Part 1

J has great memory capability. He literally ‘thrashed’ my wife playing the memory cards. Proud with his ability, he came and challenged me to play the memory cards with him.

He said, “Papa, I have very good memory. Let’s see who will win. But you cannot pray in tongues.” He meant that I should not rely on the Holy Spirit to help me remember.

I replied, “Why can’t I depend on the Holy Spirit?”

J: No. You cannot. You have to depend on your brain (he meant memory).

Papa: I prefer not to depend on myself. I want to depend on the Holy Spirit. We should never depend on our own ability.

J: Alright.

Throughout the game, I intentionally spoke in tongues so that he learnt about dependence upon the Spirit.

The outcome? I ‘thrashed’ him and won the game. Of course, with my memory, it would not be possible. But with the Spirit, nothing is impossible.

J was humbled by the power of the Holy Spirit, as he learnt that God is greater than his ability. #fathering101

Cultivating The Heart of The Next Generation

J asked me about satan, lucifer, heaven, earth, angels and hell earlier, which inspired me to write this post.

When I shared with him that satan is the father of lies, and that lying is to follow his nature, he replied, "Lies are like fire, and truth is like water." Well, this blew my mind away, coming from a 6-year old. My wife said, "This must be God teaching him, because nobody ever taught him this."

Then he was pretty worried knowing what would happen when Christ returns. So he requested to pray for some family members to know Christ. He added, "Mei**** is my best friend in school. She must know Him." And we prayed together. It was the first time I saw such fervor, earnestness and urgency he had to commit these people in prayer. That really touched my heart and reminded me why I left full-time church ministry.

The test of ministry is not the ministry without, but the ministry within. By that, I mean our family. It is often easy to do ministry out there, but not necessary within the family. Family is the revelation of our walk, not just our talk.

Women have no problem putting family first. But most men have such problem and we need to learn. I had to learn it too. The main issue with men lies with the need to have achievements out there in the world. And we are not just talking about non-believers. Many believing men are the same. Only the context has changed, from striving in the worldly things to striving in the spiritual things. The need to produce results and achievements in the spiritual context is the revelation of the Fall and the root of insecurity, without proper fathering of the heart.

So one can be a spiritual giant in the eyes of many, but still be driven by insecurity because of a lack of fathering. In fact, many heroes of faith struggled with this, resulting in them pursuing spiritual position and popularity in the spiritual world. Nothing has changed much since times past. Men are still working for recognition in the church.

The first Adam during the Fall showed us the failure in protecting his family (Eve) by focusing on the tasks on his hand. But the last Adam showed us the success in protecting His family (the world and the church) by laying down His life, His popularity, His fame, His achievements (plenty of miracles), etc.

Christ Himself has given us a model to follow (Eph 5:25; 1 Tim 3:4-5). And the criteria to judge if a person is able to take on spiritual leadership is always FAMILY.

It is with this and the message that God spoke to me before I left full-time church ministry, that drove me to realise the highest call of men, first and foremost, is to be a father (for those who are married with kids), because God is our FATHER. This is a tough message to hear because men cannot accept the role of a father... it is one that has little recognition in the world as compared to their achievements. Most of us men want to be heroes out there, but our family prefers us to be heroes at home. If we are heroes to the world but zeroes at home, we have missed the whole important thing.

I love signs and wonders. But signs and wonders are not the key to resolve social problems. Take a look at Indonesia and some other nations and you will know what I meant. In fact, just look at our own nation and you cannot deny that while miracles can lead people to know Christ, they cannot disciple the hearts, especially of the next generation. Read the book of Corinthians - the carnal believers who moved in powerful signs and wonders.

If we want to impact the society, we must cultivate the heart of the next generation. And it begins right at home --- your own children. #fathering101

Recognition / Significance

Everyone desires significance, or rather, recognition. To say that you don’t need recognition is to lie and deceive yourself. Some ministers say that they don’t need recognition, but their actions prove otherwise. Talk is always cheap, because what you do (not what you say) proves what you believe.

A need for recognition/significance from people is the revelation of a lack of fathering.

J began to understand this after many repeated lessons I gave him. Just one day ago, he told me that he was the first to finish his artwork in school and it was put up by his teacher. After affirming him, I asked, “Did you compare and tell your friends how good you are?”

He replied, “No. I didn’t. I only tell Papa and Mama.”

It didn’t begin like this. In the past, he would wanna show off to his friends. But we cultivated a space for him to SHOW OFF to us as his parents. And we poured out affirmations to him without fearing that his head grows too big until it explodes (that’s the traditional Chinese parenting belief).

Now he learnt that he could show off and get recognition from his parents, so that he didn’t need to get recognition from the public.

Jesus was beaten and marred beyond human recognition, so that today, you and I can have the Father’s everlasting recognition. Wanting recognition is only healthy, if it is BEFORE the Father. #fathering101 #identity #recognition

Gospel Sharing

While sending J to school, he told me that he has been sharing Jesus with his classmates.

Yesterday, he led one of them to Christ. Come on!

Transformative Fathering Part 4

God has no grandchildren.

Last night, J didn’t respond despite me calling him a number of times. He was doing his own stuff. If he can’t respond to the voice of his father whom he can see, how would he grow to respond to the voice of the Heavenly Father whom he cannot see? This is serious and hence, I had to discipline him.

I asked him to sit at the reflection corner. At first, he was very reluctant. But I stood firm and said, “Stay there and start speaking in tongues to talk to Jesus.” I sat near him as he did it.

Then I said, “What did Jesus tell you?”

He responded, “Jesus said that I need to listen to Papa and respond.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

But I needed him to encounter His Presence instead of giving me a ‘correct answer’. I’m not interested in what is going on in his mind. I need to see what is going on in his heart and let the Father father his heart.

So I took him on a short journey to encounter the Father, for He is able to discipline my son.

Papa: J, close your eyes now.

J closed his eyes.

Papa: Imagine little pony (his present favourite show) is here. It’s white and pink. Can see you the little pony?

J: Yes!

Papa: Now Jesus is standing beside little pony. He’s wearing white. Can you see Him?

J: Yes. And blue eyes.

Papa: Now Jesus is smiling at you and walking towards you with the little pony. He is stretching out His hands to you. What do you see in His hand?

J: I saw a white thingy with pink jelly. It’s a kind of dessert that we ate before. But I don’t like it.

Papa: Now, open your eyes. J, Jesus is telling you something... sometimes, what Papa and Mama say to you may not be what you like, and you may choose to ignore or don’t want to listen, but what you don’t like now is actually good (sweet) for you.... like Jesus giving you dessert but you don’t like that kind at the moment.

J: Nodded his head and said, “It’s good for me.”

This may be unconventional fathering but I believe that the perfect Father longs to father our child more than us. Jesus! #fathering101

Stewarding The Gift of Learning

His regular routine... NLB. Stewarding the gift of learning.

A baby is born with the gift of learning. It is not taught to learn. It is gifted to learn.

We don’t need to teach children to learn. They naturally want to. That’s how God has designed. On the contrary, if a child doesn’t want to learn, it’s because we ‘teach’ and model to him/her NOT to learn. #fathering101

Partnership & Relationship

Partnership & Relationship

It’s time to get him involved in washing and cleaning the external and internal of the family car. Papa has been doing it weekly and monthly respectively. Now he understands the work that is required and takes responsibility and ownership in it. (And hopefully stops dropping all the crumbs and bits & pieces of snacks in the car.) 

With his help, it took MUCH longer to finish the regular job. It would be so much easier for me to do it on my own. But the process is more important than the outcome. This is why discipleship is a process and it takes you out of your comfort zone. It is easy to preach the Gospel and do signs and wonders, but when it comes to discipleship, we usually run away quickly and say, “Oh this is not my thing.” 

The key focus for J’s involvement is on relationship and partnership with his Papa. Isn’t this the same as the Perfect Father in heaven and us? For God to do something, it’s easy, Godspeed and effortless. He doesn’t need us. Yet He chose us as imperfect vessels to do His work, even though the whole process becomes way slower and the outcome may not be perfect. Papa God involves us because He desires partnership and relationship. What a privilege we have!

J was exhilarated. He couldn’t wait to be involved in this. He found it a privilege and joy to do it.

Check out his proud look at the finished product - clean on the inside and shiny on the outside. Yay Jesus! #responsibility #fathering101 #fromboytoman

Transformative Fathering Part 3

It’s another F&S Day. But it’s one that caused me to reflect way deeper.

Close to 4 years ago, I left full-time church ministry when God spoke deeply into my heart, “Your highest call is to be a father.” I never look back since then. Papa God said, “Lay it down and focus on fathering J in his foundation years.” He was 2 years old. Now he just turns 6.

Working with youths & young adults in the past made me realise the importance of fathering. They don’t need your presents. They need your presence. They need to learn intimacy, identity and authority from us so that we can impart the heart of the Father to their hearts.

2019 is an important year where I felt the Lord speaking to me to focus on preparing J for next year where there will be a huge culture shift for him. He will either enter P1 or skip the MOE system altogether. 

I also felt that it is the time for fathers to rise up and take responsibility for their children —- holistically, and that includes education. It’s time to stop leaving education entirely to mothers and think that it should be the role of the mother, when it is also the role of the father.

Prov 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Prov 3:21 - My son, do not lose sight of these— keep sound wisdom and discretion...

These are the words of King Solomon, the wisest king in the Old Covenant. Bear in mind that the one who fathered him was King David. In the Jewish tradition, it was the fathers who were responsible to teach their children. 

In the modern world which we live in, we relegated this to women and focus on our career and external achievements. Achievements will pass away but what is build for eternity will leave a legacy. If we as fathers are heroes to the world but zero to our child, we are STILL a zero. Fathers who pursue achievements and get satisfaction from that usually point to the lack of identity and security in who they are. The Father in heaven has already approved you before you try to prove yourself or get approval from men. Identity comes from knowing that you are a son to begin with. If you don’t know how to rest as a son, you won’t know how to father. Because fathering comes from identity.

Ministry is not just what you do outside. It is also what you do inside —— your own children. In fact, the main criteria for leadership is that your own child honours you.

In the past few years, J had been grounded on identity. He’s now secure in knowing that he is loved. The foundation years seemed to be coming to a close.

This year will encompass a different direction. l’m gonna take him to various adventures, and to see a world that is beyond himself. I have in my mind what to expose him to, because he is ready. He’s not going to be a strawberry generation or a fatherless generation. He’s going to be a bold, courageous and compassionate man as I intentionally prepare him this year to be awakened to the reality of the kingdom.

Fathers, you and I can make a difference. Let’s RISE up and FATHER our children. #fathering101 #transformativefathering

Transformative Fathering Part 2

Transformative Fathering Part 2

The simplicity of fathering is to see a child knowing that he is loved regardless of his performance and behaviour.

Yet in a culture like SG where performance is celebrated and behaviour is tolerated, many parents (including Christian parents) are pressured to pressure their kids - extracurricular (academic) activities begin as young as 1 year old. By the age of 5, the child has probably taken extra (paid) classes for Mandarin, English, Mathematics, and a whole list more, on top of what he’s already learning in Kindergarten.

What kind of values are we building into our child?

The Bible says in Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world...” This encompasses parenting, which I shared in Part 1.

Many parents rush to be parent-volunteers in good schools when the child is 5 years old, hoping to get a place in the school when the child reaches Primary One. Some others rely on ‘networking relationships’ to get their child into the school that they want.

When J was 5, my wife initially said, “We still have membership with this (so-and-so) church. Shall we ask the pastor to help us write a letter to enrol in this (so-and-so) school?”

I prayed about it and told her, “No. We shouldn’t. Let’s not rely on this kind of thing. Let’s not be another ‘kiasu’ (afraid to lose) Christian parent. We need to trust God for J.” My wife actually agreed. What’s ironic is that she’s actually a MOE teacher who has many years of experience in missions school and she had initially desired to place J in a missions school. Thank God for her submission!

So we missed the parent-volunteer thingy. We gave up abusing, I mean... using the ‘networking’ privilege. 

Neither did we put J in ‘this academic class and that academic class’ on top of his pre-school class. We are probably one of the most chilled parents in SG 🤣

I feel for him when he has homework from his pre-school at the age of 5 and 6. I put myself in his shoes and wonder how I would feel if my parents push me to take up classes at the age of 5. Don’t take a child’s answer ‘I like it’ literally. They do not know what is good for them. As parents, you know what is really good and healthy.

If we don’t manage our expectations and stay free from the conformity of our culture, the one who really suffers will be our child. The impact may not be obvious in near future, but it will surface down the road.

Academic results may be the most important thing in our culture but it may be one of the least in the kingdom. I’m not advocating laziness. If we can impart confidence, security, love and every other virtue that is intrinsic, the rest will be taken care of. If we focus on what is extrinsic, the day will come when the outcome will speak for itself. A lot of youth and young adult issues are directly linked to childhood experiences.

Are we raising a champion scholar in the society or a champion warrior in the Kingdom of God? What we focus on is the proof of what we are seeking.

J, at the age of 6, is still hugging my wife and I to sleep. We intend to let him do so, as long as he wants to. Some say that you should cut it off quickly or let him be independent. But I think that such intimacy is more important than independence, because it gives him a glimpse of how he can grow in intimacy with the Father in heaven. When he understands what it means to depend on Him, I’m ready to release him completely.

As believers, it’s time we re-think and re-model parenting, not to the world’s pattern but heaven’s pattern.

P.S: We are really trusting God for J’s education next year. I reckon that if we trust God in one area, we need to apply that in parenting and every other thing too. We cannot compartmentalize Christianity. So pray with us and for us, that we will walk in His wisdom to lead and guide J. #fathering101 #transformativefathering