Scolding Creates Fear

This morning, J couldn't finish his milk again. It's a bad habit formed when he was sick, because we allowed him to.

Few days ago, I disciplined him for not finishing his milk. By discipline, I do not mean using a cane or spanking him, for I do not subscribe to inflicting pain as biblical form of discipline. God always disciplines BY His Word. Nevertheless, I lost my patience and scolded him for not finishing his milk. Little did I know that I had created fear in him.

As I was soaking in the Father's presence this morning, it dawned on me that my wife and I were the ones who caused him to develop the bad habit of not finishing his milk. Why? We allowed him to when he was sick. It must be pretty confusing for a little toddler like him - "Didn't Papa and Mama allow that? Why is Papa scolding me now for not finishing my milk?" 

Well, I have forgotten that I need to speak/remind him gently (and repeatedly) about the difference between the time when he was sick and now when he is well.

This morning, he passed me his milk bottle. There was still some milk left in the bottle. I said, "J, can you finish your milk, please?"

He responded, "Cough. I cough. Cough cannot drink." While I appeared to be calm on the outside, I was shocked on the inside. He had just lied.

But who caused him to lie? I have to take full responsibility. IT IS ME. Due to the incident when I scolded him, he learnt fear. And fear has to do with punishment. "If I don't finish my milk, Papa is going to scold me. I don't want to be punished. I better think of an alternative."

True biblical discipline does not involve punishment. I never thought of doing that. I had no intention to. But I had created fear in him due to that one incident of scolding. Fear has to do with punishment. But perfect love casts out all fear.

Immediately after he lied to me, I carried him and hugged him. "Papa loves you. I'm not here to punish you. Do not fear. I know you can't finish your milk. I'm not scolding you. So there is no need for you to lie to Papa. Do you understand?"

J nodded his head and walked off happily to watch his Barney show.

There is so much to learn about the heart of our heavenly Father. The more I know Him, the more I have to unlearn what I have learnt. I want to represent Him well to my son.

Showing Love - The Way of Parenting

Today, I raised my voice at J. As I shared before, it's not part of disciplining him. It's due to my own impatience. Once again, I apologised to him.

As I was soaking in the Father's love reflecting on why I did what I did, He began to speak to me beautifully. 

A child can be abused and hurt so badly (as we have often heard in abusive families), yet he will continue to love the one who abuses him. He does not hold any grudge. But it does not mean that the wound in his heart is healed. He simply can't manage the hurt at a young age. All he knows is to overlook whatever has happened and continue to love. When he grows up, the hurt he experienced as a little child will begin to manifest, both into his teenage and adult life. By then, much restoration and healing would need to take place.

An adult, on the other hand, bears grudges when he is hurt. It takes much struggle for him to manage the hurt. If an adult finds it difficult to deal with his own hurt, what more a child who couldn't manage his hurt at such a young age? 

A child's heart is very tender. Let's not think that a child will simply forget because he is too young to understand what has happened. We have to be conscious and deliberate in the way we parent him. Every child is a gift to be treasured. He is meant to be loved so that he grows up loving people. Only loved people love people. And hurt people hurt people. It all begin in the family unit. 

The school teachers cannot provide that love.
The Sunday School teachers and pastors cannot provide that love.
The presents we buy cannot provide that love.
The wealth we have cannot provide that love.
The comfortable lifestyle we have achieved cannot provide that love.
Don't say that we work hard to provide for our family. That is NOT love.

Only our PRESENCE can provide the love that our child needs.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

Papa: Papa loves you. Mama loves you. Jesus loves you the most. Do you understand?

J: Yes. Jesus loves Shua Shua.

Papa: Yes. Do you like Jesus?

J: Yes.

Papa: Where is Jesus?

J: Church!

Papa: No. Jesus is not just in church. He is in your heart. He is right here with you.

It is important for me to teach my son about the presence of Jesus. I do not want him to grow up having a form of religion by religiously going to church without understanding the relationship Jesus wants to have with him.

In addition, while we love him deeply, he has to come to the place of understanding that parents may fail him in showing unconditional love. But there is One who never fails.

Identity VS Behaviour

Me: Why is Papa upset?

J: Shua Shua.

Me: No. Papa is not upset with Shua Shua. Papa is never upset with you. I love you. But I'm upset with your behavior.

It takes effort to separate a child's identity from his behavior because this is not what we have learnt from our upbringing. This is not what we have learnt in school and society. But the more we see how the Father relates to us, the more we need to grow in our style of parenting. I don't know how many times I have apologised to my son in the process of learning to represent the Father accurately. Always thankful for His grace.

Representing Jesus

This afternnon, I asked Jeshua..

Me: Jeshua, Papa is working as an agent. Okay?

Jeshua: No. Papa is working as Jesus.

Me: (Surprised). No. What is Papa working as?

Jeshua: Jesus.

At first, I thought this was rather hilarious. But I realised that I am "Jesus" to Jeshua. I represent Jesus to him before he comes to a personal relationship with Jesus.

We all represent Jesus to the world around us. Let's keep on representing Him accurately.

Parenting By Grace

In the Old Covenant, the people experienced carrot-and-stick treatment because they were under the Law. They were both rewarded and punished for their behaviors and actions. "If you obey, you get rewarded. If you don't, your privilege will be removed and you will be punished." As a result, they did not know the heart of the Father. Their hearts were not changed. Today, many parenting methods follow the Old Covenant. "If you finish your food, I will bring you to the playground. If you don't, you don't go."

In the New Covenant where we live in, Jesus doesn't use carrot-and-stick treatment because we are under Grace. We are not rewarded and punished for our behaviors and actions, though of course, there are still self-inflicted consequences. The full reward and the full punishment already happened on the Cross. This revelation of grace and truth allows us to know the heart of the Father. As a result, we are changed by His love. The difference now in parenting becomes, "Finish your food, BECAUSE I am going to bring you to the playground." This is based on my promise and grace.

This is a tough parenting method that I'm still learning and growing. To me, it's Parenting by Grace. Grace-based parenting doesn't have any fixed method. It requires us to draw from our personal relationship with the Father because as we see how God fathers us, we will learn to do the same. I am determined to do it differently from how I was brought up and what majority are doing.

Train up a child in THE WAY he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Jesus answered, "I am THE WAY..." - John 14:6

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age... - Titus 2:11-12

The way to train our child is to teach him THE WAY - Jesus. It is by grace.

Discipleship In The Most Natural Sense

Every morning, when I am in the secret place with Jesus, I do not like to be interrupted. However, I have to fight against time, as my son will somehow wake up and "interrupt" my precious moment with Jesus. It has happened many times. At times, he will wake up late in the morning after I come out of the secret place. 

Today, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "This is discipleship." I wondered, "What do You mean?" He said, "When you let your son interrupt and watch what you are doing every morning, you are discipling him in the most natural sense." I got it. He will see what I do as a lifestyle and pick up the same lifestyle in time to come.

Today, I told him, "Papa is worshiping Jesus." He said, "Yes." After drinking his milk, he quietly lay on his small mattress, enjoying the atmosphere of worship. This is awesome!