Because He Loves It

You can tell that he is exhilarated by the fact that we are sitting in the mini-boat. At first, he told me, "Papa, sit on the boat another day." I knew he desired to do it today. I said, "Do you wanna play today?" He nodded in excitement.

#carousel #freeticket #playedtwice #superlongqueue #becausehelovesit #firstroundwithPapa #nowwithMama

Giving Choices

My wife and I made it a point to give J choices so that he can make his own decision. We learnt this from God our Father, who gave us freewill when He created us. Of course, we try to direct him to make the right decision so that he will grow up making right decisions on his own.

At the same time, whenever J makes a certain decision, we also allow him to face the consequence of his choice. For example, he gets to choose between eating gummy and playing in the bathtub. If he chooses the bathtub, he will not get to eat the gummy (after playing in the bathtub) despite his persistent request and cry.

Just two nights ago, my wife and I had a good laugh. He tried to imitate me but in an intelligent way. When we arrived home, we told him, "J, take off your shirt and pants and put them in the laundry bag." He did so. 

Wearing only the diaper, he asked himself, "Jeshua, do you want bathtub or play toy?"

He paused and answered his own question, "Bathtub!"

Again he responded to himself, "Okay!"

In these, he was questioning and responding to himself! It was hilarious!

Who Taught My Son To Hit Others?!

There are always two sides to a coin. It's the same for parenting.

Recently, J tried to hit me with his hand when he was upset. I mean, come on, he's just two years old (turning three soon). As much as I am shocked by his response, I have to reflect on my parenting.

Before I had the revelation on GRACE parenting by the Holy Spirit, I had smacked him on his hand as a form of punishment when he was a few months' old, each time when he tried to test the boundaries i.e. touching the power socket. In those days, I already felt unrest in my spirit when I used smacking as a form of discipline. I couldn't reconcile that form of discipline with the heart of our heavenly Father. He doesn't use ANY physical pain as a form of discipline. Yet in the past, I reckoned that it was the only way I should do to teach J not to test boundaries, despite the fact that I was acting inconsistently with what I believe about the Father.

I had thought that by smacking his hand (even with a rod) when he was about to touch the power socket, I would be teaching him about the danger of electricity. Most people think that a few months' old child won't understand if we try to reason with him. That is very true. But the irony is this - what makes us think that they will link smacking to the danger of electricity? Honestly, at few months' old, they will probably think like this - "I cannot touch the power socket, because I will get punished. I will get smacked. I will feel painful." In other words, when they learnt not to touch the power socket OR other boundaries, they will link it to punishment, instead of the REASON (electricity can hurt or kill) why they shouldn't touch it. This kind of teaching not only creates fear, it also cripples a child from exploring and stepping out in faith to uncharted waters. At the same time, they also learnt that it is perfectly fine to smack anyone when they are upset.

This is interesting, because the one who taught him to hit someone with his hand or a rod is ME! Though I have now tried to parent him by grace after the revelation given by the Holy Spirit, and as much as possible (sometimes, I still fail because of my lack of patience), to father him according to the heart of God the Father, I still have to teach him to unlearn what I had modeled wrongly (i.e. using punishment) when he was a few months' old.

I am convicted and convinced that how we model to a child according to the heart of the Father will impact his life for the years to come.

P.S: When a child is a few months old, we can simply carry him away from the power socket each time when he wants to touch it. Or we can direct him to engage with something else, like a toy. When he grows older, we explain to him about the danger of electricity.

Gifted And Born With Victory

A child is born into this world with victory. He is born to be bold and gifted in many areas... until his parents and the society shut those stuff down because all they want to see is that the child is "well-behaved." A well-behaved child has many things suppressed only to manifest themselves when he finds an opportunity to do so. All these while, the parents only look at his behaviour instead of the root - his identity. On the other hand, a child who openly shows his "messy" behaviour is granted an opportunity for his identity to be affirmed so that the root of his behaviour can be dealt with. Behaviour does not change identity. Identity changes behaviour. A child is crippled and crushed if our primary focus on whether a child is good is defined by his behaviour.

Look At My Face

As I was spending time in His presence yesterday, the Holy Spirit spoke to me - "When you ask Jeshua to look at you as a way to bring correction, you also need to use that to affirm him."

I fully understood what He meant. Quite some time ago, the Holy Spirit taught me how to bring gentle correction to my son by asking him to look at me. This is to enable him to be focused as he looks at my face. Only when he is focused, he will listen to what I say.

This is similar when it comes to our relationship with God the Father. More often than not, God is always speaking but we are not always listening. We are distracted by what we are doing and the circumstances around us. However, when we behold His face, we begin to hear His small, still voice and give ear to what He is trying to say to us. When we are focused on Him, we will listen to Him.

I have been using this whenever I need to bring correction and discipline to Jeshua. Most of the times, it is successful.

But the Holy Spirit has brought new understanding to me yesterday. Sometimes, when I say, "Jeshua, look at Papa", he will try to avoid looking at me. He knows that if he fixes his eyes on me, he will listen to what I say.

The Holy Spirit taught me that if I simply use this way for correction, my son will grow up fearful of beholding God the Father. He will think that beholding Him is equivalent to being corrected.

Apart from correction, I can use the same way to affirm him and love him. That is what God the Father would do to us.

Since yesterday, I have applied it a few times on Jeshua and I will keep applying.

Look forward to having more understanding on the Father's heart through the Holy Spirit towards Jeshua.

Perseverance

Last night, I sneakily looked from outside of Jeshua's room to see what he was doing. It was intentional that I didn't want him to notice my presence.

He was trying to pack his writing materials, i.e. Crayons, markers and papers into one of the boxes before placing it into the compartment neatly. It took him quite a while to get the order right according to his own expectation.

After trying to place the box into the right compartment a few times without success, he cried for help. As I stood there watching, I wanted to rush in and assist him. But I decided not to. There were two main reasons:

1) I wanted him to grow in perseverance

2) I trusted him to accomplish the task successfully

There are times when God the Father seems slow in responding to our prayer for help. It is definitely not that He doesn't want to. For many moments, I wanted to jump in and help Jeshua. If I as an earthly father felt this way, God the Father feels it even much more! He sees what we are trying to accomplish. But He decides to wait, not because He wants to see us fail miserably. In fact, He waits because He has full confidence in us. He trusts us to accomplish it successfully. In the midst of that, we also grow in perseverance.

What a lovely reminder of a loving Father!

P.S: I'm referring to our cry for help to accomplish stuff. It is not about healing, freedom, etc. God doesn't wait to respond because He already responded on the Cross. The time is always NOW for healing and freedom.

The Order Of Priority

I felt uneasy using the phrase, "Jeshua, if you finish your food, you get to go to the toy shop."

"If you eat well, you get to watch the TV."

And so on and so forth...

Unknowingly, this can create a carrot-and-stick parenting, which I am against. It is not the way God fathers us. If this carries on, Jeshua will grow up thinking that he has to do something in order to be rewarded by God the Father.

Recently, a sudden thought came to my mind. I believe the Holy Spirit was teaching me how to use the right phrase to father Jeshua.

"Jeshua, finish your food first." In this way, I'm teaching him about the order of priority. Food first, then toy shop. Or food first, then TV.

Thank You Holy Spirit!

Meal Times

Jeshua's meal times have been the most challenging part of parenting for my wife and me.

Very often, he doesn't finish his food. To make matters worse, it takes forever to get him to eat properly.

I felt frustrated after long periods of trying different ways to get him to eat. Occasionally, I lose my patience.

As I asked the Father, He showed me how it could be done and cultivated.

"Family eats together."

I realised that we haven't been very consistent in this area. Sometimes, we start feeding Jeshua after we have eaten, if he is not hungry and he doesn't want food. Sometimes, we let him eat first.

What God is saying to me is this, "Eat together as a family. As Jeshua sees us eating together regularly, he will learn to eat properly."

Past few days had been good. Jeshua ate on his own and finished a good portion. Praise Jesus!

Independence VS Dependence

Today is the third day Jeshua goes to the childcare for his pre-nursery programme.

After bringing him there, I left as I had to attend a CPD course. Though I would like to stay and monitor how he was doing, I couldn't. My wife lingered at a nearby shopping mall, lest Jeshua cries and looks for one of us.

In the afternoon, his form teacher called to provide us with an update on his progress. According to her, Jeshua did not cry at all. He has adapted well to the new environment. 

Throughout these three days, he has never cried for us to be present. I am so proud of him. He has full confidence and security, knowing that his parents will be back to fetch him.

It suddenly dawned on me about the difference between an independent toddler and one who is dependent on his parents.

An independent toddler is trained by his parents. Usually, the parents will leave the toddler to cry when he was a baby if he wanted to be carried. It is a traditional Asian mindset where we are taught to let the baby cry until he breaks free from separation anxiety and the need to be carried in our arms to sleep. This trains a baby to be independent. When he enters childcare, he is able to manage when being "thrown" into a new environment.

For some, they think that it is pretty normal to let the toddler cry his heart out during the first couple of days in the childcare. The toddler is being forced trained to be independent at a young age.

My wife and I decided to do it differently as we sensed the heart of the Father leading us to focus on providing Jeshua with love and security over the need for independence.

As I was reflecting, I realised that Jeshua is not an independent toddler. As a Christian father, I don't want him to be independent at this age. A toddler/child is not supposed to be independent at a young age. Sometimes, we want them to grow up faster than they are supposed to be. In my personal outlook, our heavenly Father does not think this way. He loves us until we mature (read Song of Solomon). He doesn't want us to be independent. He wants us to stay dependent on Him.

In the same way, Jeshua is dependent on us at this age. My role as an earthly father is to lead him to an encounter with the heavenly Father so that he learns to be dependent on Him. However, before he reaches that stage, I have to represent God the Father to him.

Why do I say that Jeshua is not as independent as those toddlers who are trained by their parents to be independent? Whenever Jeshua is at home, he will cling tightly to my wife or me (if my wife is not at home). By the way, he is still latching before he sleeps.

Yet he is able to adapt to a new environment without experiencing any separation anxiety. He understands that his parents will always be there for him. He knows in his heart that whenever his parents leave, they will be back to fetch him. That in itself, is a revelation of security and confidence built in him as we responded to his cry as soon as possible since he was a baby.

Some may think that this will "spoil" the child. But I am convinced that a child needs to be lavished and spoilt with love until security is formed in him.

There are two ways to reach the same objective.

We can do it with love.

A New Season For My Son

Today is the second day of school for Jeshua.

He did not cry on the first day as I accompanied him to school and ensured that he was fully secure. I went out of the childcare centre a few times to see if he could manage well in a new environment.

This morning, he waved goodbye to me when I told him that I would be leaving the childcare centre for a while.

I walked out of the centre intentionally for a period of time to monitor how he was doing. Guess what? He had adapted well to the environment. Come on! He has grown in confidence and security. Thank You Jesus!

A child should not be made to experience separation anxiety because we are not made to experience it. The Father says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Personally, I do not subscribe to the traditional parenting style where parents simply leave their children at the childcare centre and allow them to cry. Yes, the children will eventually get over it. But the damage is done. The abandonment is felt. Separation and distrust have been formed.

If we want to apply biblical values in parenting, we have to ask, "Father, show me Your heart in fathering my child." Then we follow what the Father would do.

One of the childcare teachers said to one of the children, "Only [name] is quite good because he sits down quietly." She then asked the other boy who made some noise to stand at a corner. This boy started crying as he experienced shame and separation. 

Welcome to the world's principles. At home, we really have to inculcate biblical principles and re-align our child's values repeatedly. Goodness is not defined by behaviors. A child is good because God sees him good. If he is good only because he performs, he will grow up relating to God by performance.

It is no wonder a child's foundation years plays the most crucial part of his life. It is a period when he spends most of the time immersing in the right values before he is "sent out" to face the world - one that will come against the values he learnt at home. If only we could homeschool our child...

I look forward to bringing Jeshua to his school tomorrow!