Scolding Creates Fear

This morning, J couldn't finish his milk again. It's a bad habit formed when he was sick, because we allowed him to.

Few days ago, I disciplined him for not finishing his milk. By discipline, I do not mean using a cane or spanking him, for I do not subscribe to inflicting pain as biblical form of discipline. God always disciplines BY His Word. Nevertheless, I lost my patience and scolded him for not finishing his milk. Little did I know that I had created fear in him.

As I was soaking in the Father's presence this morning, it dawned on me that my wife and I were the ones who caused him to develop the bad habit of not finishing his milk. Why? We allowed him to when he was sick. It must be pretty confusing for a little toddler like him - "Didn't Papa and Mama allow that? Why is Papa scolding me now for not finishing my milk?" 

Well, I have forgotten that I need to speak/remind him gently (and repeatedly) about the difference between the time when he was sick and now when he is well.

This morning, he passed me his milk bottle. There was still some milk left in the bottle. I said, "J, can you finish your milk, please?"

He responded, "Cough. I cough. Cough cannot drink." While I appeared to be calm on the outside, I was shocked on the inside. He had just lied.

But who caused him to lie? I have to take full responsibility. IT IS ME. Due to the incident when I scolded him, he learnt fear. And fear has to do with punishment. "If I don't finish my milk, Papa is going to scold me. I don't want to be punished. I better think of an alternative."

True biblical discipline does not involve punishment. I never thought of doing that. I had no intention to. But I had created fear in him due to that one incident of scolding. Fear has to do with punishment. But perfect love casts out all fear.

Immediately after he lied to me, I carried him and hugged him. "Papa loves you. I'm not here to punish you. Do not fear. I know you can't finish your milk. I'm not scolding you. So there is no need for you to lie to Papa. Do you understand?"

J nodded his head and walked off happily to watch his Barney show.

There is so much to learn about the heart of our heavenly Father. The more I know Him, the more I have to unlearn what I have learnt. I want to represent Him well to my son.

Showing Love - The Way of Parenting

Today, I raised my voice at J. As I shared before, it's not part of disciplining him. It's due to my own impatience. Once again, I apologised to him.

As I was soaking in the Father's love reflecting on why I did what I did, He began to speak to me beautifully. 

A child can be abused and hurt so badly (as we have often heard in abusive families), yet he will continue to love the one who abuses him. He does not hold any grudge. But it does not mean that the wound in his heart is healed. He simply can't manage the hurt at a young age. All he knows is to overlook whatever has happened and continue to love. When he grows up, the hurt he experienced as a little child will begin to manifest, both into his teenage and adult life. By then, much restoration and healing would need to take place.

An adult, on the other hand, bears grudges when he is hurt. It takes much struggle for him to manage the hurt. If an adult finds it difficult to deal with his own hurt, what more a child who couldn't manage his hurt at such a young age? 

A child's heart is very tender. Let's not think that a child will simply forget because he is too young to understand what has happened. We have to be conscious and deliberate in the way we parent him. Every child is a gift to be treasured. He is meant to be loved so that he grows up loving people. Only loved people love people. And hurt people hurt people. It all begin in the family unit. 

The school teachers cannot provide that love.
The Sunday School teachers and pastors cannot provide that love.
The presents we buy cannot provide that love.
The wealth we have cannot provide that love.
The comfortable lifestyle we have achieved cannot provide that love.
Don't say that we work hard to provide for our family. That is NOT love.

Only our PRESENCE can provide the love that our child needs.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

Papa: Papa loves you. Mama loves you. Jesus loves you the most. Do you understand?

J: Yes. Jesus loves Shua Shua.

Papa: Yes. Do you like Jesus?

J: Yes.

Papa: Where is Jesus?

J: Church!

Papa: No. Jesus is not just in church. He is in your heart. He is right here with you.

It is important for me to teach my son about the presence of Jesus. I do not want him to grow up having a form of religion by religiously going to church without understanding the relationship Jesus wants to have with him.

In addition, while we love him deeply, he has to come to the place of understanding that parents may fail him in showing unconditional love. But there is One who never fails.

Identity VS Behaviour

Me: Why is Papa upset?

J: Shua Shua.

Me: No. Papa is not upset with Shua Shua. Papa is never upset with you. I love you. But I'm upset with your behavior.

It takes effort to separate a child's identity from his behavior because this is not what we have learnt from our upbringing. This is not what we have learnt in school and society. But the more we see how the Father relates to us, the more we need to grow in our style of parenting. I don't know how many times I have apologised to my son in the process of learning to represent the Father accurately. Always thankful for His grace.

Representing Jesus

This afternnon, I asked Jeshua..

Me: Jeshua, Papa is working as an agent. Okay?

Jeshua: No. Papa is working as Jesus.

Me: (Surprised). No. What is Papa working as?

Jeshua: Jesus.

At first, I thought this was rather hilarious. But I realised that I am "Jesus" to Jeshua. I represent Jesus to him before he comes to a personal relationship with Jesus.

We all represent Jesus to the world around us. Let's keep on representing Him accurately.

Parenting By Grace

In the Old Covenant, the people experienced carrot-and-stick treatment because they were under the Law. They were both rewarded and punished for their behaviors and actions. "If you obey, you get rewarded. If you don't, your privilege will be removed and you will be punished." As a result, they did not know the heart of the Father. Their hearts were not changed. Today, many parenting methods follow the Old Covenant. "If you finish your food, I will bring you to the playground. If you don't, you don't go."

In the New Covenant where we live in, Jesus doesn't use carrot-and-stick treatment because we are under Grace. We are not rewarded and punished for our behaviors and actions, though of course, there are still self-inflicted consequences. The full reward and the full punishment already happened on the Cross. This revelation of grace and truth allows us to know the heart of the Father. As a result, we are changed by His love. The difference now in parenting becomes, "Finish your food, BECAUSE I am going to bring you to the playground." This is based on my promise and grace.

This is a tough parenting method that I'm still learning and growing. To me, it's Parenting by Grace. Grace-based parenting doesn't have any fixed method. It requires us to draw from our personal relationship with the Father because as we see how God fathers us, we will learn to do the same. I am determined to do it differently from how I was brought up and what majority are doing.

Train up a child in THE WAY he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Jesus answered, "I am THE WAY..." - John 14:6

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age... - Titus 2:11-12

The way to train our child is to teach him THE WAY - Jesus. It is by grace.

Discipleship In The Most Natural Sense

Every morning, when I am in the secret place with Jesus, I do not like to be interrupted. However, I have to fight against time, as my son will somehow wake up and "interrupt" my precious moment with Jesus. It has happened many times. At times, he will wake up late in the morning after I come out of the secret place. 

Today, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "This is discipleship." I wondered, "What do You mean?" He said, "When you let your son interrupt and watch what you are doing every morning, you are discipling him in the most natural sense." I got it. He will see what I do as a lifestyle and pick up the same lifestyle in time to come.

Today, I told him, "Papa is worshiping Jesus." He said, "Yes." After drinking his milk, he quietly lay on his small mattress, enjoying the atmosphere of worship. This is awesome!

Yeah!!!

On Sunday, Jeshua finally attended the toddler ministry on his own!

I am so proud of him! He was there from 11.30am-2pm as the sermon in main service was long.

He didn't experience any separation anxiety or insecurity. I checked with the teachers. He did not cry at all. He understood that I will be back to fetch him.

That was the first Sunday I attended the main service with my wife in New Creation.

If this works for toddler ministry, it will work for childcare too.

Wow!

Two nights ago, Jeshua surprised both my wife and me.

He could literally remember the Thomas storybook sequence by sequence and word for word.

We tested him with another storybook and he could complete the sentence whenever we read halfway.

Is that super memory or something?

We didn't ask him to memorise. We simply read the stories a few times to him.

When I tested him with the Bible, he couldn't really remember. This made me realise that I shouldn't read a different passage of Scriptures each night with him. Instead, I should repeat the same passage a few times. That will empower him to remember the Scriptures clearly.

Here we go!

The Father's Protection VS Providence

In the world's perspective, providence comes first. We work hard to provide for our family so that they can have a comfortable and good lifestyle (Not necessary a good life. Because many rich families are living broken and wounded lives.)

In the kingdom's perspective, protection comes first. We work hard to protect our family so that we build a loving family.

God's first command for Mankind is not, "Provide for your family." Instead, He said, "Tend the Garden." Tending the Garden includes stewardship of whatever Adam had been given and the first thing Adam was given is family (Eve). As he took care of the Garden, God continually provided for him and his family. But when sin came in because he failed to protect his family, he was cursed and ended up toiling all his life to provide for his family. The equation went upside down. Thank God that Jesus had come to redeem us from that curse.

Yet the world continues to get it upside down, which is the subtle lie of the enemy. "Work harder to earn more money so that you can provide a good life to your family." (That is obviously going back under the curse.) Well, many rich families do not have a happy home. Their children are wounded. They have a good lifestyle but not a good life. Because their parents are spending a lot of time providing instead of protecting.

True wealth is not about having more and more money to provide for the family. True wealth is having more and more time to protect the family.

In the world, success is measured by how rich your family is. But in the kingdom, success is measured by how STRONG your family is.

Separation Anxiety?

There are two schools of thoughts:

1) Leave your toddler to cry until he gets used to it. Then he will learn to be independent and grow up fast. Good for parents too - because it saves the time, energy and trouble.

2) Don't leave your toddler alone to cry. Shower him with love so that his security is strong. Talk to him until he is ready to let you leave him. Bad for parents - because it will take much time, energy and patience before the toddler gets comfortable to be alone.

My wife and I choose the latter option. Our Heavenly Father said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." Security and love is the priority in the life of a toddler. We don't have to make him grow up according to our expectations. We have to stop comparing with what other toddlers are doing. Just because they can do more does not mean they are more secured on the inside. Our role is to impart love, security and confidence in our son.

Leaning On Him

Jeshua was unwell last Thursday and Friday. I kept him at home to take care of him.

On Friday, as he was going to take his usual nap in the afternoon, he said, "Papa, I want to lie here." He was pointing to my chest. He fell asleep on my chest.

The feeling of having my son leaning on my chest is awesome. No wonder Jesus loves it when we lean on His bosom.

God is most delighted when we simply lean on Him and rest in Him.

Giving Instructions

This morning, my son had been giving me instructions.

"Papa, sit here."

"Papa, stand."

"Papa, carry."

"Papa, put your mouth here."

"Papa, press."

"Papa, come."

I was wondering if I'm his father or he is my father. Haha.

Yet I responded to his request by doing what he asked.

My son was not looking to give me instructions. He was looking for a relationship with me. Furthermore, he knew that he could speak what he wanted to his father, having a child-like faith that I would do what he said.

More often than not, we approach God the Father in a reserved way, thinking that we should not give Him any 'instruction' because He is God.

Yet the Father desires that we come to Him boldly and speaks what we want. The deeper we understand Him through a personal relationship, the bolder we will ask from Him.

He is our FATHER.

Jeshua's First Healing

Was having slight sore throat due to some exposure to the haze.

I asked Jeshua to pray for me. He laid his hand and said, "In Jesus' name, no more sore throat. Amen."

Guess what? The sore left immediately!

This is his first healing at two years old. Wow!

Amazed!

Accidentally closed the door on my fingers and I went "Ouch!"

Jeshua ran to me and asked, "What happened?" Then he laid his hand on me and prayed, "In Jesus' name, no more pain. Amen!"

I'm surprised and amazed! Thank You Jesus!