Perseverance

Last night, I sneakily looked from outside of Jeshua's room to see what he was doing. It was intentional that I didn't want him to notice my presence.

He was trying to pack his writing materials, i.e. Crayons, markers and papers into one of the boxes before placing it into the compartment neatly. It took him quite a while to get the order right according to his own expectation.

After trying to place the box into the right compartment a few times without success, he cried for help. As I stood there watching, I wanted to rush in and assist him. But I decided not to. There were two main reasons:

1) I wanted him to grow in perseverance

2) I trusted him to accomplish the task successfully

There are times when God the Father seems slow in responding to our prayer for help. It is definitely not that He doesn't want to. For many moments, I wanted to jump in and help Jeshua. If I as an earthly father felt this way, God the Father feels it even much more! He sees what we are trying to accomplish. But He decides to wait, not because He wants to see us fail miserably. In fact, He waits because He has full confidence in us. He trusts us to accomplish it successfully. In the midst of that, we also grow in perseverance.

What a lovely reminder of a loving Father!

P.S: I'm referring to our cry for help to accomplish stuff. It is not about healing, freedom, etc. God doesn't wait to respond because He already responded on the Cross. The time is always NOW for healing and freedom.

The Order Of Priority

I felt uneasy using the phrase, "Jeshua, if you finish your food, you get to go to the toy shop."

"If you eat well, you get to watch the TV."

And so on and so forth...

Unknowingly, this can create a carrot-and-stick parenting, which I am against. It is not the way God fathers us. If this carries on, Jeshua will grow up thinking that he has to do something in order to be rewarded by God the Father.

Recently, a sudden thought came to my mind. I believe the Holy Spirit was teaching me how to use the right phrase to father Jeshua.

"Jeshua, finish your food first." In this way, I'm teaching him about the order of priority. Food first, then toy shop. Or food first, then TV.

Thank You Holy Spirit!

Meal Times

Jeshua's meal times have been the most challenging part of parenting for my wife and me.

Very often, he doesn't finish his food. To make matters worse, it takes forever to get him to eat properly.

I felt frustrated after long periods of trying different ways to get him to eat. Occasionally, I lose my patience.

As I asked the Father, He showed me how it could be done and cultivated.

"Family eats together."

I realised that we haven't been very consistent in this area. Sometimes, we start feeding Jeshua after we have eaten, if he is not hungry and he doesn't want food. Sometimes, we let him eat first.

What God is saying to me is this, "Eat together as a family. As Jeshua sees us eating together regularly, he will learn to eat properly."

Past few days had been good. Jeshua ate on his own and finished a good portion. Praise Jesus!

Independence VS Dependence

Today is the third day Jeshua goes to the childcare for his pre-nursery programme.

After bringing him there, I left as I had to attend a CPD course. Though I would like to stay and monitor how he was doing, I couldn't. My wife lingered at a nearby shopping mall, lest Jeshua cries and looks for one of us.

In the afternoon, his form teacher called to provide us with an update on his progress. According to her, Jeshua did not cry at all. He has adapted well to the new environment. 

Throughout these three days, he has never cried for us to be present. I am so proud of him. He has full confidence and security, knowing that his parents will be back to fetch him.

It suddenly dawned on me about the difference between an independent toddler and one who is dependent on his parents.

An independent toddler is trained by his parents. Usually, the parents will leave the toddler to cry when he was a baby if he wanted to be carried. It is a traditional Asian mindset where we are taught to let the baby cry until he breaks free from separation anxiety and the need to be carried in our arms to sleep. This trains a baby to be independent. When he enters childcare, he is able to manage when being "thrown" into a new environment.

For some, they think that it is pretty normal to let the toddler cry his heart out during the first couple of days in the childcare. The toddler is being forced trained to be independent at a young age.

My wife and I decided to do it differently as we sensed the heart of the Father leading us to focus on providing Jeshua with love and security over the need for independence.

As I was reflecting, I realised that Jeshua is not an independent toddler. As a Christian father, I don't want him to be independent at this age. A toddler/child is not supposed to be independent at a young age. Sometimes, we want them to grow up faster than they are supposed to be. In my personal outlook, our heavenly Father does not think this way. He loves us until we mature (read Song of Solomon). He doesn't want us to be independent. He wants us to stay dependent on Him.

In the same way, Jeshua is dependent on us at this age. My role as an earthly father is to lead him to an encounter with the heavenly Father so that he learns to be dependent on Him. However, before he reaches that stage, I have to represent God the Father to him.

Why do I say that Jeshua is not as independent as those toddlers who are trained by their parents to be independent? Whenever Jeshua is at home, he will cling tightly to my wife or me (if my wife is not at home). By the way, he is still latching before he sleeps.

Yet he is able to adapt to a new environment without experiencing any separation anxiety. He understands that his parents will always be there for him. He knows in his heart that whenever his parents leave, they will be back to fetch him. That in itself, is a revelation of security and confidence built in him as we responded to his cry as soon as possible since he was a baby.

Some may think that this will "spoil" the child. But I am convinced that a child needs to be lavished and spoilt with love until security is formed in him.

There are two ways to reach the same objective.

We can do it with love.

A New Season For My Son

Today is the second day of school for Jeshua.

He did not cry on the first day as I accompanied him to school and ensured that he was fully secure. I went out of the childcare centre a few times to see if he could manage well in a new environment.

This morning, he waved goodbye to me when I told him that I would be leaving the childcare centre for a while.

I walked out of the centre intentionally for a period of time to monitor how he was doing. Guess what? He had adapted well to the environment. Come on! He has grown in confidence and security. Thank You Jesus!

A child should not be made to experience separation anxiety because we are not made to experience it. The Father says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Personally, I do not subscribe to the traditional parenting style where parents simply leave their children at the childcare centre and allow them to cry. Yes, the children will eventually get over it. But the damage is done. The abandonment is felt. Separation and distrust have been formed.

If we want to apply biblical values in parenting, we have to ask, "Father, show me Your heart in fathering my child." Then we follow what the Father would do.

One of the childcare teachers said to one of the children, "Only [name] is quite good because he sits down quietly." She then asked the other boy who made some noise to stand at a corner. This boy started crying as he experienced shame and separation. 

Welcome to the world's principles. At home, we really have to inculcate biblical principles and re-align our child's values repeatedly. Goodness is not defined by behaviors. A child is good because God sees him good. If he is good only because he performs, he will grow up relating to God by performance.

It is no wonder a child's foundation years plays the most crucial part of his life. It is a period when he spends most of the time immersing in the right values before he is "sent out" to face the world - one that will come against the values he learnt at home. If only we could homeschool our child...

I look forward to bringing Jeshua to his school tomorrow!

Scolding Creates Fear

This morning, J couldn't finish his milk again. It's a bad habit formed when he was sick, because we allowed him to.

Few days ago, I disciplined him for not finishing his milk. By discipline, I do not mean using a cane or spanking him, for I do not subscribe to inflicting pain as biblical form of discipline. God always disciplines BY His Word. Nevertheless, I lost my patience and scolded him for not finishing his milk. Little did I know that I had created fear in him.

As I was soaking in the Father's presence this morning, it dawned on me that my wife and I were the ones who caused him to develop the bad habit of not finishing his milk. Why? We allowed him to when he was sick. It must be pretty confusing for a little toddler like him - "Didn't Papa and Mama allow that? Why is Papa scolding me now for not finishing my milk?" 

Well, I have forgotten that I need to speak/remind him gently (and repeatedly) about the difference between the time when he was sick and now when he is well.

This morning, he passed me his milk bottle. There was still some milk left in the bottle. I said, "J, can you finish your milk, please?"

He responded, "Cough. I cough. Cough cannot drink." While I appeared to be calm on the outside, I was shocked on the inside. He had just lied.

But who caused him to lie? I have to take full responsibility. IT IS ME. Due to the incident when I scolded him, he learnt fear. And fear has to do with punishment. "If I don't finish my milk, Papa is going to scold me. I don't want to be punished. I better think of an alternative."

True biblical discipline does not involve punishment. I never thought of doing that. I had no intention to. But I had created fear in him due to that one incident of scolding. Fear has to do with punishment. But perfect love casts out all fear.

Immediately after he lied to me, I carried him and hugged him. "Papa loves you. I'm not here to punish you. Do not fear. I know you can't finish your milk. I'm not scolding you. So there is no need for you to lie to Papa. Do you understand?"

J nodded his head and walked off happily to watch his Barney show.

There is so much to learn about the heart of our heavenly Father. The more I know Him, the more I have to unlearn what I have learnt. I want to represent Him well to my son.

Showing Love - The Way of Parenting

Today, I raised my voice at J. As I shared before, it's not part of disciplining him. It's due to my own impatience. Once again, I apologised to him.

As I was soaking in the Father's love reflecting on why I did what I did, He began to speak to me beautifully. 

A child can be abused and hurt so badly (as we have often heard in abusive families), yet he will continue to love the one who abuses him. He does not hold any grudge. But it does not mean that the wound in his heart is healed. He simply can't manage the hurt at a young age. All he knows is to overlook whatever has happened and continue to love. When he grows up, the hurt he experienced as a little child will begin to manifest, both into his teenage and adult life. By then, much restoration and healing would need to take place.

An adult, on the other hand, bears grudges when he is hurt. It takes much struggle for him to manage the hurt. If an adult finds it difficult to deal with his own hurt, what more a child who couldn't manage his hurt at such a young age? 

A child's heart is very tender. Let's not think that a child will simply forget because he is too young to understand what has happened. We have to be conscious and deliberate in the way we parent him. Every child is a gift to be treasured. He is meant to be loved so that he grows up loving people. Only loved people love people. And hurt people hurt people. It all begin in the family unit. 

The school teachers cannot provide that love.
The Sunday School teachers and pastors cannot provide that love.
The presents we buy cannot provide that love.
The wealth we have cannot provide that love.
The comfortable lifestyle we have achieved cannot provide that love.
Don't say that we work hard to provide for our family. That is NOT love.

Only our PRESENCE can provide the love that our child needs.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know

Papa: Papa loves you. Mama loves you. Jesus loves you the most. Do you understand?

J: Yes. Jesus loves Shua Shua.

Papa: Yes. Do you like Jesus?

J: Yes.

Papa: Where is Jesus?

J: Church!

Papa: No. Jesus is not just in church. He is in your heart. He is right here with you.

It is important for me to teach my son about the presence of Jesus. I do not want him to grow up having a form of religion by religiously going to church without understanding the relationship Jesus wants to have with him.

In addition, while we love him deeply, he has to come to the place of understanding that parents may fail him in showing unconditional love. But there is One who never fails.

Identity VS Behaviour

Me: Why is Papa upset?

J: Shua Shua.

Me: No. Papa is not upset with Shua Shua. Papa is never upset with you. I love you. But I'm upset with your behavior.

It takes effort to separate a child's identity from his behavior because this is not what we have learnt from our upbringing. This is not what we have learnt in school and society. But the more we see how the Father relates to us, the more we need to grow in our style of parenting. I don't know how many times I have apologised to my son in the process of learning to represent the Father accurately. Always thankful for His grace.

Representing Jesus

This afternnon, I asked Jeshua..

Me: Jeshua, Papa is working as an agent. Okay?

Jeshua: No. Papa is working as Jesus.

Me: (Surprised). No. What is Papa working as?

Jeshua: Jesus.

At first, I thought this was rather hilarious. But I realised that I am "Jesus" to Jeshua. I represent Jesus to him before he comes to a personal relationship with Jesus.

We all represent Jesus to the world around us. Let's keep on representing Him accurately.

Parenting By Grace

In the Old Covenant, the people experienced carrot-and-stick treatment because they were under the Law. They were both rewarded and punished for their behaviors and actions. "If you obey, you get rewarded. If you don't, your privilege will be removed and you will be punished." As a result, they did not know the heart of the Father. Their hearts were not changed. Today, many parenting methods follow the Old Covenant. "If you finish your food, I will bring you to the playground. If you don't, you don't go."

In the New Covenant where we live in, Jesus doesn't use carrot-and-stick treatment because we are under Grace. We are not rewarded and punished for our behaviors and actions, though of course, there are still self-inflicted consequences. The full reward and the full punishment already happened on the Cross. This revelation of grace and truth allows us to know the heart of the Father. As a result, we are changed by His love. The difference now in parenting becomes, "Finish your food, BECAUSE I am going to bring you to the playground." This is based on my promise and grace.

This is a tough parenting method that I'm still learning and growing. To me, it's Parenting by Grace. Grace-based parenting doesn't have any fixed method. It requires us to draw from our personal relationship with the Father because as we see how God fathers us, we will learn to do the same. I am determined to do it differently from how I was brought up and what majority are doing.

Train up a child in THE WAY he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6

Jesus answered, "I am THE WAY..." - John 14:6

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age... - Titus 2:11-12

The way to train our child is to teach him THE WAY - Jesus. It is by grace.

Discipleship In The Most Natural Sense

Every morning, when I am in the secret place with Jesus, I do not like to be interrupted. However, I have to fight against time, as my son will somehow wake up and "interrupt" my precious moment with Jesus. It has happened many times. At times, he will wake up late in the morning after I come out of the secret place. 

Today, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "This is discipleship." I wondered, "What do You mean?" He said, "When you let your son interrupt and watch what you are doing every morning, you are discipling him in the most natural sense." I got it. He will see what I do as a lifestyle and pick up the same lifestyle in time to come.

Today, I told him, "Papa is worshiping Jesus." He said, "Yes." After drinking his milk, he quietly lay on his small mattress, enjoying the atmosphere of worship. This is awesome!

Yeah!!!

On Sunday, Jeshua finally attended the toddler ministry on his own!

I am so proud of him! He was there from 11.30am-2pm as the sermon in main service was long.

He didn't experience any separation anxiety or insecurity. I checked with the teachers. He did not cry at all. He understood that I will be back to fetch him.

That was the first Sunday I attended the main service with my wife in New Creation.

If this works for toddler ministry, it will work for childcare too.

Wow!

Two nights ago, Jeshua surprised both my wife and me.

He could literally remember the Thomas storybook sequence by sequence and word for word.

We tested him with another storybook and he could complete the sentence whenever we read halfway.

Is that super memory or something?

We didn't ask him to memorise. We simply read the stories a few times to him.

When I tested him with the Bible, he couldn't really remember. This made me realise that I shouldn't read a different passage of Scriptures each night with him. Instead, I should repeat the same passage a few times. That will empower him to remember the Scriptures clearly.

Here we go!

The Father's Protection VS Providence

In the world's perspective, providence comes first. We work hard to provide for our family so that they can have a comfortable and good lifestyle (Not necessary a good life. Because many rich families are living broken and wounded lives.)

In the kingdom's perspective, protection comes first. We work hard to protect our family so that we build a loving family.

God's first command for Mankind is not, "Provide for your family." Instead, He said, "Tend the Garden." Tending the Garden includes stewardship of whatever Adam had been given and the first thing Adam was given is family (Eve). As he took care of the Garden, God continually provided for him and his family. But when sin came in because he failed to protect his family, he was cursed and ended up toiling all his life to provide for his family. The equation went upside down. Thank God that Jesus had come to redeem us from that curse.

Yet the world continues to get it upside down, which is the subtle lie of the enemy. "Work harder to earn more money so that you can provide a good life to your family." (That is obviously going back under the curse.) Well, many rich families do not have a happy home. Their children are wounded. They have a good lifestyle but not a good life. Because their parents are spending a lot of time providing instead of protecting.

True wealth is not about having more and more money to provide for the family. True wealth is having more and more time to protect the family.

In the world, success is measured by how rich your family is. But in the kingdom, success is measured by how STRONG your family is.